Down Low and Debatable!
Black women talk candidly about men “on the down-low”. Warning:
If you freak out at the mention of the word sex, reading this
article may distort your moral values.
by Peggy Butler
On a blustery winter morning in December 1999, Essex Garvey, a
stay-at-home mom of four, was sorting laundry, when a glaring
exhibition caught her eye. On the TV was a woman recently
diagnosed with HIV. Noting the pained look on the woman’s face,
Garvey discovered that the culprit was the woman’s boyfriend, an
admitted bisexual. Pointing wildly at the TV she sighed: “Damn,
that woman should have known her man was poking the log at both
ends of the totem pole. Now, that would never happen to me.”
Three years later Garvey faced a growing problem among
African-American women. She discovered that her husband was
embroiled in a steamy down-low affair. For those unfamiliar with
the phrase, “down- low” refers to men who are married or have
girlfriends but secretly sleep with men.
Garvey who divorced her husband in 2003, said the real tragedy
of this epidemic is the refusal of many women to question their
partner’s sexual history. “As women it is our responsibility to
learn as much as we can about the men we sleep with,” she said
stoically. “And my reason for stressing this, is, because too
many brothers are banging the pipe at both ends of the anal and
vaginal chasm without informing their mates.” A practice the
38-year-old concedes has led to deadly results.
The DL Debate
Although this lifestyle is not new. The regularity with which it
occurs in the African-American community was brought to the
forefront in 2004 by J.L. King. An admitted down lower, King is
author of the best-seller On the Down Low: A Journey into the
Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men. The book not
only exposed this contentious taboo, it opened African-Americans
eyes to a subject they previously chose to ignore, but now can
no longer deny its existence.
In assessing this situation, two questions that cannot be
ignored is what effect down-lowism has on the health and family
of women who are cognizant of their partner’s sexual orientation
and those who don’t have a clue. To find out, I interviewed
three women of different backgrounds. Featured among the trio
was Cynthia, a prominent attorney who only dates married men;
Quiana, a high school drop out who insists that “having a piece
of man is better than no man at all,” and Lucia, a 35-year- old
administrative assistant formerly in a relationship with a man
on “the DL”. Because of the sensitive nature of this topic, the
actual names of the women were not used. Instead, pseudonyms
were applied to protect their identities. Now that you’re
familiar with the backgrounds, let’s hear their stories. The
first section will be devoted to health and the disturbing
element of the Down-Low Affliction, an increase in HIV among
women of color.
Speaking Out
“Hearing the results of my HIV test, suddenly anger turned to
tears and I actually hugged the doctor. It was then that I
realized that I was now part of the Down Low Brigade,” says
Lucia, describing how she felt after learning her test results
were negative. For Lucia this was indeed great news, based on a
report by the Centers for Disease Control that says African
American women represent a whopping 68 percent of new HIV cases.
Experts maintain the increase in HIV among Black women is
attributable to several factors including bisexuality. While it
is generally not acknowledged, bisexuality in the Black
community is wide spread. Thus, putting women at risk. Agreeing
with that assessment is Dr. Alvin Poussaint. In a 1996 interview
with Ebony magazine, Dr. Poussaint, a psychiatrist at Harvard
University noted, “No one knows the number, but there is a lot
of bisexuality out there,” he asserted. “Just take the fact that
so many Black men have been incarcerated. An extremely high
number engage in homosexuality in prison because there are no
other outlets. It is easy for a bisexual man to have a cover -
womenand for no one to know he’s really bisexual.” Dr.
Poussaint urged women to be “extremely cautious and get to know
their partner.”
Not surprisingly, a large number of men on the down- low refuse
to characterize themselves as gay or bisexual. Instead, they
insist that they are straight, an observation noted by 1 of the
3 women I interviewed. “The average person equates bisexual men
with femininity,” says Lucia with a twinge of cynicism in her
voice. “But my boyfriend was all man. He was tall, muscular,
masculine and he acted just like a regular man. Now after
learning what I know now, I wonder what a regular man is.”
When asked what actions they would take if they discovered their
men were on the DL, Quiana and Cynthia had vastly different
answers. “Like I said, having a piece of man in your life is
better than having nothing at all,” Quiana reiterated. “So, if I
found out he was on the down-low, I’d ask him to make a decision
as to whether he wanted to be with me or with men. If he chose
me, then that’s all good. But if he decided that a man is more
desirable, we could still hook up, but sex would be out of the
question.” Looking at Quiana in her leather jacket and denim
skirt sitting atop a pair of designer boots, I casually asked
“Is having a man in your life that important?” The response was
not unexpected. “Hell yeah. I gots to have the hook up. And like
I said we can hook up, but he ain’t getting none of this,” she
says laughing and pointing to her genitalia. For Cynthia the
answer was just the opposite. “I have a history of only dating
married men. But if I found out one of them was on the DL, I
would stop seeing him.” Just like that?” I asked. “Just like
that,”she says vehemently. “I value my health too much to remain
in a relationship with someone who’s at a high risk of
contracting HIV.”
After revealing their most intimate secrets, it becomes obvious
that the women are uncomfortable discussing down-lowism, but
feel compel to explain their feelings. So it was on to the topic
of how being in a relationship with a man on the DL can have a
detrimental effect on the family.
Of the three women, Quiana says that her kids aren’t as nave
about people with alternative lifestyles as the average person;
since homosexuality is rampant in her family. When pressed for
further information she frowns and says “No Comment.” In
contrast, Cynthia said that under no circumstances would she
subject her kids, ages 10 and 7 to a down-low relationship.
“Although I choose whom I want in my life, I have to consider my
family when it comes to being intimate with someone who engages
in sex with both men and women.”
A victim of down-lowism, Lucia maintains that when her kids
found about her boyfriend they were angry, scared and
embarrassed. Angry, because he failed to mention he was on the
DL. Scared, because they thought Lucia had HIV and/or AIDS and
was going to die. “I have to reassure them constantly that I’m
okay. So, regardless of what people say, such relationships can
have a detrimental effect on the family. Lastly, they were
embarrassed because they thought people would associate them
with being gay, “especially my son,” says the Illinois native.
“He didn’t want anyone thinking he was attracted to boys.”
In examining the impact of the down low on African-American
women regarding family and health, one should keep in mind that
each situation is different. As noted by the women above, when
faced with such a situation some walk away while others choose
to remain in the relationship. But, ladies be advised, if you
delve into a relationship with a man on the DL, you’re not only
putting yourself at risk but your family as well, especially if
you have children. Thus, you are encouraged to use precaution at
every corner and intersection when traveling along Down-Low
Boulevard.
April 26th 2008 Posted to
Misc
